Okay – here’s last night’s:

I was flying somewhere to meet up with my dad and stepmom for some sort of vacation. It was an almost empty plane, and I was in first class, which is automatically weird. I wasn’t given my destination, so I was a bit stressed out.

A woman came into first class, joining me and some little kid who was sitting next to me. She told us both that we were not going on vacation, we were, in fact, going to Iraq on a “special mission.” I told her I didn’t believe her, when a map appeared in front of me, Indiana Jones style. And sure enough, the dotted line quickly showed us landing in Frankfurt, then taking off again and landing in Rome, then scooting us right over to Iraq – which in the dream was where Greece should be, but was shaped exactly like the real Iraq.

Dream-me being dream-me, I shrugged and said “I accept the mission.” We went to a really nice mansion, where a bunch of white folks were getting ready for a fancy party. I was given a designer outfit that consisted of high boots, a short flouncy skirt with pockets, a low top and two jackets.

All the other operatives were loading their guns with serious ammo. My handler gave me two really sharp huge hunting knives and told me to stick them in the pockets of my skirt and only bring them out when the others started shooting.

When we all got to the party (at a fancy “Old Arabie” style tent), it occurred to me that I was literally bringing knives to a gun fight. I spent the party trying to keep the knives from ripping through the lining of my skirt pockets while acting nonchalant and charming.

That’s it. What do you suppose is wrong with me?

I’m old enough by now to have figured out that I’ll never learn discipline. And hey! That’s something! So in lieu of resolutions, this year I’m making a list of not-so-great things I’ll probably do in the next 365 days.

1) Spend three hours playing online poker during the time allotted to working on my screenplay.

2) Take a weekend trip that I can’t afford. And charge it.

3) Read the third and fourth Twilight books.

4) Tell someone “I don’t smoke” while smoking a cigarette.

5) Slouch.

6) Drink too much whiskey and start saying things that make my friends look at me funny forever after.

7) Respond to “I assume you’re an actress” with some elaborate lie about being groomed to take over my dying father’s horse ranch.

8 ) Try to climb something, forgetting I’m feeble, and injure myself or faint.

9) Change philosophies with dramatic confidence in my newest epiphany every two to three days.

10) Fall in love with someone horrible.

So I guess my New Year’s Resolution is…to give up resolutions. I’m okay. You’re okay.

Happy 2009!

Okay, I feel a little weird about bragging, but he’s kind of a huge celebrity.  He’s great – so funny, always running around and getting us in and out of trouble.

The only thing is, people are constantly stopping him to ask for photos. I’m like “Hello? We’re on a date. He’s off the clock, people.” But it never ends. He’s cool with it, though. I think he likes it, kind of. He gets paranoid, though. He won’t take pictures with bald guys. 

Oh and also?! He dresses up like a girl sometimes. I know, I know, a lot of straight guys are into that, and it’s becoming more mainstream, but you should see the way he looks at himself in the mirror when he’s dressed like a girl. He’s completely in love with himself.

But that’s all okay, because he’s totally my type – funny, smart and kind of an asshole. Yay!

I learn them the hard way so you don’t have to!

When meeting new friends…DON’T…

…go on a three minute comic riff about how amazingly bad “Mamma Mia” was, glance up and find everyone looking politely away, then finally realize that you’ve been monologuing to a Universal executive.

You know that expression – “Man plans, God laughs”? I always found that kind of mean-spirited of God, but now I realize he must be based in Los Angeles, land of the perfectly justified flake-out.

For eons…I mean, at LEAST two weeks…I’ve been planning to go to the LA County Fair, home of huge pigs, prize pies and spinny rides that put you one loose screw away from certain doom. So fun! I checked with some people to see if they could make it and got emphatic thumbs up. I marked the day, rescheduled students (yes, I have my priorities in order), which took measurable effort, wrangled up some additional fair enthusiasts and grinned to myself in preparation for today.

Well, as you can see, I’m typing, not spinning. One by one, the fair-goers punked out, each for a completely unique and completely valid reason. 

I wish I were ballsy enough to go to a carnival alone. There’s something so forlorn about that. The best way to frame that scenario has me ending up married to the handsome barker, who robs somebody to pay for our unborn child, gets shived and dies, leaving me alone for the rest of my life. That’s not my ideal situation. The other side of the coin has me wandering the park, feeling empowered as I go on the rides by myself (and enjoying them JUST as MUCH! Good for me!), only to wind up, what else?, shived by a carnie who is mad that I won Whack-A-Mole and got the giant panda he swore would never leave his tent. This would never have happened if I had friends with me. You see my dilemma.

So today, I’ve decided to make the most of my blank day. I’ll do whatever I feel like. Right now it’s a relaxed breakfast. Later it may be hiking, or midday drinking, or a corn dog, or sobbing with disappointment. But probably just the corn dog.

I love my friends here. I’m glad their lives are full of delightful surprises and challenges. I just can’t relate. And I’m not going to “plan” anything for a while now, lest I hear a mysterious giggle resounding from the ether.

Well, this website, for one. 

The stated purpose of this blog is to provide a central headquarters for all of my creative endeavors, whether acting, writing, singing or general frivolity. The actual purpose probably has something to do with my genetic predisposition towards internet addiction. Seriously. Ask my mom. See comment below and judge for yourself.

Anyway, take a look around! Links are to the right, bathroom’s down the hall and to the left. Enjoy!